If you were hoping for a line of Blue Ivy Carter-related products, bad news: Last week, a judge ruled that Beyonce and Jay-Z could not trademark their child's name, which is shared by a Boston party planning company that's been in existence since 2009. It's too bad, really, since they'll miss out on so many excellent and exclusive branding opportunities. And really: Who even cares about some party planners in Boston?
Bey and Hov were reportedly in the midst of planning a line of baby products in their child's name. That got us thinking about what Blue Ivy-related products we'd most like to see. Here's our list of the great Blue Ivy endorsed products that could and should have been:
1) Baby Beats by Blue Ivy: Dr. Dre may have the adult headphone demographic cornered, but there's plenty of room in the emergent infant market. Want to blast "S. Carter" but you can't because there's a pesky baby in the next room? No problem. Just plop some Baby Beats by Blue Ivy on his/her head, and bam, crank up the volume because that baby can't hear a thing. Plus, as Beats by Dre proves, you can charge twice as much as they're worth and people will still line up to buy them.
2) Blue Ivy Soap: Okay, so this is predictable. Ivory Soap. Blue Ivy. They almost sound the same! But still, who wouldn't buy a cleaning product that's guaranteed to give you mega-millionaire parents? Because that's what this soap does: washes away your prole regular parents and replaces them with famous ones.
3) Blue Ivy Marijuana: As one of my bosses here pointed out, there's a strain of marijuana out there called Blue Ivy. Based on reviews from leafy.com, it seems like this stuff basically sells itself. Read below:
- "..the Blue Ivy made me feel energetic and high spirited. It gave me the urge to want to clean my whole apartment, as well as gave me an appetite to eat three chili dogs immediately after."
- "My new favorite candy... just like the first time"
- "The taste on this particular strain was more on the sweeter side. Smoking it out of the bong, I got the full effect of the medication. I was "medicated" for about an hour, stuck baked on my couch... GOOD STRAIN!"
Clearly, that's already a popular strain, but just imagine how much more popular it'd be if it were officially endorsed by the real Blue Ivy. Nothing sells weed like cute, internationally famous babies.
4) Blue Ivy Baby Food: Jay and Bey could make a fortune with this. Sure, it'd be the same Gerber-ish stuff as other baby food, but in a GIANT GOLD BOTTLE, like this Ace of Spades champagne. If I had a spare $100,000, I would definitely buy it, and I don't even have a baby.
5) Blue Ivy Clothing Line: This was reportedly the reason behind the initial copyright claim. While it's unclear if it's still in the works, this business plan would surely rake in an absurd amount of cash. And Jay-Z is a veteran of the clothing business—in 2007, Rocawear, the clothing company he co-founded, sold for $204 million—so you know it'd succeed under his supervision.
6) Blue Ivy Chicken Wings: Jay-Z has already backed his cousin in the chicken wing business, so why not help out his daughter? Plus, has anyone ever tried marketing chicken wings to babies? Potential gold mine there.
7) Blue Ivy IPA: Yes, yes, the idea of having a nine-month-old baby endorse a craft beer is controversial, but controversy sells, right?
8) Blue Ivy League College Prep Tutoring: Oh, I'm sorry: you don't think the daughter of earth's two most successful people ever will have any useful advice about getting into Harvard? You're naysaying her abilities because she's just a baby? "Just a baby?!" How dare you. Also, have fun at community college, pal. Meanwhile your friends who utilized Blue Ivy League Prep Tutoring will be partying it up at Columbia.
9) Blue Ivy Paparazzi Blocking Sunglasses for Kidz: Custom-made lenses to block the flash from paparazzi's cameras. Combine them with Baby Beats by Blue Ivy, and you don't even have to worry about the obnoxious questions from TMZ's henchmen. Yes, the target demographic is small – Apple Martin, the Pitt-Jolie children, Suri Cruise and a few others – but they are all wealthy enough to buy the Deluxe Edition Blue Ivy Sunglasses, which would start at $200,000.
10) Blue Ivy Dance Lessons: What can a nine-month-old teach you about dancing? Need we remind you Beyonce was pregnant with Ivy when "Countdown" was filmed? That alone makes her a better dancer than 99% of us will ever be.
Any other suggestions? Let us know in the comments! (We promise to give you a cut of the profits. Really.)