"You know those fat people who sit in their couch— and I mean really fat. I mean the people who, like—their skin grows into the couch. And then, you know, they call the fire department and they cut them out of the wall, and then they have to bring in a truck, and then they take them to the hospital. I say let them die."
“I think New York is one of the greatest towns in the world. I love New York. I wanted to live in New York my whole life, and I find it so unbelievably closed-minded.”
“I think it's interesting being American, the expectations for an American guy, and the image that has to be projected. 'Oh, I can't wear pink,' that kind of stuff. There's none of that in Europe.”
“Can we stop dividing ourselves? Do racists exist? Yes. Do bigots exist? Yes. But most of us are not. Most Americans just want to get along. Why can’t we do that? What has happened to us?”
“People have this conception that I put on different characters. But to me, there's a definite continuity in what I do. If there wasn't, it wouldn't work."
“I started seeing these ads in the paper for 'Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation'. What kind of activities do you have to engage in to get to the point where you need to bring a laser into the equation?”
Speaking to British rockers Muse: "I thank you for singing words that resonate with man in his struggle to be free."
“I will stand with GLAAD. I will stand with anybody who will stand up and say that’s crazy. That’s dangerous. That’s hetero-fascism. That’s what that is. And we’re talking about 'Duck Dynasty.' Really?”
“Oh, the tragedy and the anguish. You just gotta Rage Against the Appliance, man. The toast is burning and you just gotta rip it out and free it before it fills the house with smoke. Rage Against the Toaster.”
“Do you realize we’re now at the first point in history where a mustache isn’t completely sincere? In other eras, a man’s mustache used to be without question. Now there’s all sorts of subtext. Levels. Implications. Baggage. I think in a way, that applies across the board.”
“The thing that frustrates me is just how simplified things can be made, cut down to the lowest common denominator. How can you sum up my life–or any life–in a paragraph in USA Today? It takes all the dignity and all the expansiveness out of it.”