Music is a source of comfort and catharsis for most people, so we decided to stock up our musical pharmacy with some tunes to cure your
ailments. From heartache to stress to some really bad gas, check with us weekly for new musical prescriptions.
Ailment: Humpday Hangover
Let’s start by talking about Wednesday, commonly referred to as humpday. Humpday Hangover isn't quite as bad as a case of “The Mondays” because you’ve accepted the fact that the weekend is indeed over. You still need the little boost to actually get yourself through to the end of the week. To add insult to injury, you probably drank too much last night for St. Patrick’s Day (see also: "Green Beer Blues") and today pales in comparison. You need a track to pump you up and to help you immortalize some of the magic of last night.
Drug name: "Tuesday" – iLoveMakonnen (feat. Drake)
Active ingredients: Catchy melody and lyrics; zealous use of Auto-Tune.
Warnings: Keep away from coworkers' judgement by listening on headphones. For adults only; do not play for children under 12 years or they will repeat the words.
Stop use if: You’ve started to yell "DRANK" repeatedly.
Directions: Play once in the morning and once in the afternoon. Listen at least twice in a row for maximum results. Repeat if necessary/if you aren’t amply pumped up for another evening of shenanigans.
You know the feeling. You fidget, you move back and forth and curl your toes. You’re doing everything you can to hold in that fart as you sit at your desk, surrounded by people. Then, (because you know the fart will disappear as soon as you make the walk to the bathroom) you've held in your gas so long that your stomach makes a loud gurgle and squeeeeak, which your coworkers end up hearing anyway. Sure, you've held in a fart, but instead you've farted…inside your own body. How sad. Sounds like you need a bit of a ditty to cheer up that bubble gut.
Drug name: "Bubbly" – Colbie Caillat
Active ingredients: Chipper guitar strums, soothing female vocals, supportive lyrics.
Uses: Control internal-fart urges.
Stop use if: The song creates an urge to constantly fart out loud in public and laugh at yourself.
Directions: First, imagine Caillat is singing about farting. “It starts in my toes”; the urge moves through her body. Once she farts “it makes me crinkle my nose." Repeat as necessary until gut is soothed and a smile has taken shape upon the face.
It’s midnight and your ex is texting you again. She doesn't have a good reason for doing so, but rather is checking in with you casually or, worse, asking for a mundane piece of information. “Do you remember that book you told me to read that one time?” You’re single and feeling frisky, but you just don’t want to give in. Then you come to the realization that despite the fact that you still love her, you love yourself more. You need an anthem.
Drug name: "i" – Kendrick Lamar
Active ingredients: Uplifting lyrics, driving beat, a message that instills for the future and belief in new beginnings.
Uses: To help prevent you from engaging in a relapse with your ex
Warnings: Too many repetitions of the song can create an engorged ego. Do not listen more than 10 times in a 24-hour period.
Directions: Play song and remember the “war” of your last relationship. Think about what life is like now that you are in control and the possibilities of your present. Repeat as necessary until you do not want to reply.
You’re groggy, tired and can’t think straight. You’ve had too much green beer this week and now you’re paying for it. First of all, St. Patrick’s Day is a holiday created by Americans and has nothing to do with the color green or getting wasted. That being said, I may have had some whiskey with a few people dressed as leprechauns last night anyway, and you probably did, too. Whether you took part in the bogus holiday or not, we all need something—caffeine, mostly—to pick us up in the bloody aftermath.
Drug name: "Coffee" – Sylvan Esso
Active ingredients: Undulating electropop sounds, tinkling bells, velvety voice of Amelia Meath.
Uses: Mental clarity and relief from crazy occasions.
Directions: Pour yourself a large cup of black coffee. Play song. Zen out.
The day has finally arrived and you can’t believe it. The person you hold dearest in this dark world, your platonic love, is moving away. Sure, there are all the digital fixings available to keep you guys “connected,” but you’re bummed about having to watch Broad City alone from now on. (And dance parties definitely won’t be the same.) You don’t want to cheer up, but rather mourn the loss of your bitchy bestie.
Drug name: "Good Friend" – Plants and Animals
Active ingredients: The lyric “it takes a good friend to say you’ve got your head up your ass," because you know that no matter how far away, your bestie is still going to be there to be straight with you.
Uses: A good cry and the urge to dance a little.
Keep out of reach of children: Some vulgar language.
Directions: Repeat as necessary until you’ve regained the urge to dance again.