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Weekly Prescription: Your Musical Dosage for March 25

When Western medicine fails you, come see us every week and we'll prescribe a batch of songs to expertly cure your specific ailments

1 / 5

Jumping pills in a speaker cone
Andy Teo aka Photocillin/Getty Images

Music is a source of comfort and catharsis for most people, so we decided to stock up our musical pharmacy with some tunes to cure your ailments. From heartache to broken bones to that time of the month, check with us weekly for new musical prescriptions.

Ailment: Crimson Cramps

It's here. Has it been three weeks already? You're crying over the smallest incident, eating everything in sight, you've bloated beyond recognition and to make matters worse, it feels like there's a 10-round boxing match between your ovaries. Your period has officially arrived and your cramps might be the end of you. Of all the horrible things that happen to women during their monthly visit, let's focus on the good. You're not pregnant! You're also a woman. You are a powerhouse of feminine hormones and energy and strength. You need a something that makes you feel like a woman.

Drug name: Acetaninamone

Active ingredients: Nina Simone's velvet voice, lyrics (about bleeding forces of nature) and an electrifying jazz crescendo. 

Uses: Soothes cramps and strengthens female energy.

Stop use if: You’ve started to yell "POWER!!" at your desk. 

Directions: Play as needed to ease cramps. To build strength, continue listening even after symptoms have subsided.

2 / 5

Ailment: Anti-Spring Fever

The first day of spring came and went and most of us didn't notice. Then, one unremarkable afternoon, you take a late lunch and step outside. It starts happening: The sun warms your face, the breeze moves through the leaves. You put on your sunglasses out of necessity for the first time in ages. You look around and realize it's warm outside, that it's nearly time for short-shorts and sundresses. Time for the beach and shaved legs. Spring is here and you can feel it in your pants. Er, bones. You just need a little help getting all the way there.

Drug name: Benzombiemium

Active ingredients: Steady bass, cool lyrical stylings, bright harmonies.

Uses: Help set your mood for the spring season.

Stop use if: Things get a little too sexy.

Directions: Use liberally to amplify the springtime vibes.

3 / 5

Ailment: Isolation Blues

You thought this day would never come. You were quite convinced. After months (we won't say how many) of feeling miserable, torn apart, effed up, stepped on and just plain shitty, you finally don't. No, you aren't back to your fighting weight and things aren't perfect at work, but goshdarnit, you love yourself again. Heartbreak sucks and you're finally you again. You wouldn't even take that jerk back! You deserve to revel in the victory of being you. Alone and the better for it.

Drug name: Hydratame Impallalose

Active ingredients: Driving rock tempo, psychedelic melodies, the lyric "you will never come close to how I feel."

Uses: To separate any lasting anxiety and help you celebrate your solitude.

Warnings: Keep away from sharp objects while listening.

Directions: Use at highest possible volume in a safe and comfortable setting. Repeat as necessary.

4 / 5

Ailment: Frenemy Fever

You didn't mean to, but you've done it. You've pissed off your friend and you're caught in an argument you're certain is just a misunderstanding. You know your friend needs some time to cool off, and the best thing is to give some space—but your intentions were in her best interest! You need something to release your emotions while still expressing the earnestness of your affection for your friend. 

Drug name: Animaxil

Active ingredients: Aggressive chorus, wide-eyed lyrics.

Uses: The release of built-up emotion and compassion.

Stop use if: You lose the urge to apologize.

Directions: Play twice, take time to rethink the argument. Repeat as necessary until you've figured out a way to appropriately mend the situation. If symptoms have not subsided after 3 days of use, send song to friend.

5 / 5

Ailment: Broken Bones

True story time. You're casually seeing this guy and you're starting to like him, but he's not ready for a relationship. You decide you're not going to see him anymore as a preventative measure. This is a high-risk, low-reward situation. And then he won't stay away. He's convinced you to go on a "real" date with him and you can't (don't) say no. Much to your delight and surprise he's brought you to a trampoline house, where you jump around like a 12-year-old on crack...for a total of three minutes. It's bounce, bounce, whoa, slip, land, BREAK. You've busted your ankle chasing after a boy. You need to cry it out until you can dance it out again.

Drug name: Methollysulfonyears

Active ingredients: Lyrics "I broke my bones playing games with you," all other lyrics, electronica beat, Olly Alexander's vocal urgency.

Uses: To heal your broken heart and bones through catharsis.

Directions: Listen at least twice a day with meals for three weeks. If bone begins to heal, gradually start dancing around until your heart heals along with your bones.

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