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Weekly Prescription: Your Coachella Dosage for April 16

If Western medicine failed you this week, come see us and we'll prescribe a batch of songs by Coachella artists to expertly cure your ailments

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iDose Digital Drugs
David Freund via Getty Images

Music is a source of comfort and catharsis for most people, so we decided to stock up our musical pharmacy with some tunes to cure your ailments. From your first fight with your significant other to a Friday Funday, check with us weekly for new musical prescriptions.

Ailment: Coachella Headache

While everyone else is tweeting, Instagramming and talking non-stop about their festival plans this weekend or their hangover from last weekend…you're just not. For whatever reason, financial, professional, procrastination or otherwise, you didn't get tickets. So rather than let yourself wallow in the headache of everyone's Coachella brag-a-thon you need to turn up your own beats.

Drug name: Codezcazine

Active ingredients: Bright colorful background sounds and a heavy dose of drum machine.

Uses: To alleviate the pressure in your head and create a calming and energizing mindset to get through until the middle of next week when the roar has died down.

Directions: Close all forms of social media. Bring volume to a comfortable level and repeat until you move around enough to shake some of your headache away.

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Ailment: Busy Bladder

You've been working for four hours straight and you haven't had the time to leave your register. People are flooding in for lunch now and there's no sign of a break in your future. Sarah called in sick, no one is available to relieve you, and you need relief. Now. Without a break in sight you've got to hold it in. You are a professional. You can do this. 

Drug Name: Anhydrakomyacin

Active ingredients: Lyrics encouraging you to hold on, catchy two-stepping beat to mask your pee-pee dance.

Uses: To strengthen abdominal muscles and mental capacity to prevent you from pissing your pants.

Directions: Take over the restaurant or store's sound system. Play on repeat until you have a break. Hold on and hold it.

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Ailment: Honeymoon Fits

You're staring at your phone. He hasn't called or texted since last night and it's already 4PM. You've been dating for five months now and after all the weeks and days of kissing and laughing going off without a hitch, you're confused. Who is this guy? He used to text you "good morning" every day you didn't wake up next to each other and now even coming over seems like a bother. The honeymoon is over, but you don't want the relationship to be.

Drug name: Polybametha glycolakes

Active ingredients: The lyrics "tell me what's wrong," the chorus and Brittany Howard's revitalizing abilities.

Uses: To revive your heart, strengthen your aortic valves and relationship resuscitation. 

Warnings: Song may cause agitation and extreme mood swings.

Directions: Put phone away. Pull out a pen and paper. Play song and sit and think. Repeat until you know your next move.

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Ailment: Baby Bump Mumps

Your phone buzzes with a new notification. Megan is pregnant! Great! Great. First of all, you really need to stay off social media. Second, you want to be happy and you are, but you can't help but be jealous that it isn't you. You need to remember that it's not your time yet. You need to remember that you're different, be a little sad and then get over it.

Drug name: Crosjencarmellewise 

Active ingredients: Lyrics "She's not me," "she's easy" and the melancholy strings with exhilarating qualities. 

Uses: Exposes the mind to some honesty while creating a numbing effect.

Warnings: Prolonged use can cause some depression.

Directions: Again, put the social media down. Listen to the song and then pour yourself a stiff drink, because you can! Sip and enjoy.

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Ailment: Friday Feels

This has been the longest week of your life. You're having professional struggles, your love life sucks and payday isn't until next week. However, the week is over. It's Friday and you couldn't be happier. This calls for a celebration. 

Drug name: St. Lucian's Wort

Active ingredients: Steady beat, playful bass and positive lyrics.

Uses: To interact with your serotonin receptors and cause a high similar to an anti-depression medication.

Directions: Play at a low volume, then repeat and gradually increase dose until you feel ready to take on the weekend with a new attitude. 

Don't miss Wristbanded: Coachella Valley presented by Doritos premiering this Saturday, April 18, at 5/4c and encoring Sunday, April 19, at 5/4c. Find Fuse in your area with our channel finder.

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