Music is a source of comfort and catharsis for most people, so we stocked our musical pharmacy with some tunes to cure your ailments. From appendicitis to a broken heart, check with us weekly for new musical prescriptions.
Ailment: Nocturnal Frights
You sit at your candlelit dinner across from your boy-toy and life couldn't be sweeter. He leans in to you for a kiss and just before you meet he starts to whisper. "You know..." You are expecting a profession of love, but instead he tells you, "you fart in your sleep." Mortified. Did he really just say that? When did it become okay to acknowledge flatulence at the table? And which time that you jolted yourself awake with a sonic boom was he pretending to be asleep? Well, rest easy, dear. You can be certain that despite his cool demeanor, girl, he does it often (often, girl he does it often).
Drug Name: Simeekendicone
Active Ingredients: Abel Tesfaye's seductive lyrics, the paradox of heavy hitting bass, baby-making beats and creamy vocals.
Uses: To remind you that your man thinks you are sexy regardless of your humanly functions—and his willingness to "go again" despite them.
Stop Use If: You have the urge to fart more often.
Directions: Play the song at a medium level after dinner to change the mood and distract him while calming yourself down from the embarrassment.
Do you have an ailment you need a cure for? Write us at firstname.lastname@example.org with your ailment, story and handle so we can respond with a musical fix.