February 21, 2012


What to Pack for Rocklahoma Fest

Dennis Liddell
Dennis Liddell

Rocklahoma is a hard rock festival held in Pryor, Okla., where veteran bros who love 1980s hair metal like Ratt and younger tattooed dudes who love nu metal bands like Godsmack unite each Memorial Day weekend to get blackout drunk. Hell yeah.

The lineup for the 2012 festival friggin’ kicks major ass—Megadeth (that dude was in Metallica), Rob Zombie (Halloween kicks ass), Chickenfoot (Joe Satriani—wicked sweet!), Slash (still cool), Puddle of Mudd (that dude was just arrested for drugs—drugs are sweet), P.O.D. (Christians rock too) and tons more. It’s the weekend many a metalhead live for. So, a few words of advice: If you fail to prepare for the party, then you prepare to fail at partying. And that, my friends, would be downright embarrassing.

So you'll need the proper party supplies. And, thankfully, I’m here to help. Below, check out my list for what to pack for this year’s Rocklahoma Fest. I suggest printing it out and hitting the local Wal-Mart.

The Ultimate Packing Guide for Rocklahoma 2012

Two American flags: Just in case the first one is used to wrap up a fallen brother before burying him in a shallow grave.

Three pair jean shorts (+40): One pair will do if you don’t have bladder control issues. But chances are you do if you were alive to see Queensryche's glory days.

Three pair cargo shorts (-40): Where else would you stash your mini bottles and glass pipe?

One gas-powered blender: Because… f**k yeah!

15 cartons Winston cigarettes: Because… “Hey, I heard that Kurt Cobain kid smoked Winstons. Sh*t yeah.”

Beaded necklaces: Used to throw at the babes during the Miss Rocklahoma Contest, natch.

Bandanas: Hey, Axl wears ‘em.

Big-ass meat smoker: Gotta eat, right?

Big blue tarp: Because at some point you’ll have to make a beer’n’slide.

Mini motorcycle: Quick transportation to and from the stage, duh.

Mini pool and pet gator: To keep the drunkenness interesting.

Self-Test STD Kit: Self-explanatory.