Let's get the VMA basics out of the way: One Direction's fans made me deaf, Chris Brown and Drake unfortunately avoided each other, Nicki Minaj's skintight outfit made me throw the rest of my cookies away and Rihanna's "We Found Love" rightfully took home Video of the Year. Oh, and some other people took home moonmen, too: 1D for Best Pop Video, Best New Artist, and Most Shareworthy Video, Drake nabbed best Hip Hop Video, Chris Brown scored Best Male Video, and Nicki Minaj reigned supreme with Best Female Video.
That's fine and everything, but here's what you're really looking for - a handy little wrap-up of the nine most important things that happened at the VMAs. Enjoy! Tell your friends! (And check out the photos from the entire night in our VMA photo gallery.)
Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa are pregnant! I mean, we already kind of knew this, but the belly rub on the red carpet makes it official official. Yo, Amber, Ima let you finish, but Beyonce had the best VMA belly rub of all time! Of all time! Congrats, though.
Rihanna and A$AP Rocky almost did it on stage: Dude went in for the neck kiss during their performance of Rih's Talk That Talk track, "Cockiness," and Rihanna was alllllmost having it. But then she was like, "LOL no."
We finally saw Miley Cyrus' fierce new haircut in action: Git it, girl! All y'all haters who thought the chop was a bad decision just got served. Milers was on hand as a presenter at the VMAs, and the 'do looks phenom.
Frank Ocean performed by a campfire, made us want to call our exes: The sensitive one from Odd Future used his stage time wisely - he set the thing on fire, camp-style. Frank performed fan favorite "Thinking About You" with only the help of a single guitar. I cried maybe.
Rihanna and Katy Perry rekindled their longstanding BFF-ship, threw shade at everyone: We hadn't seen BFF4EVERs RiRi and KP out together in a while, so it was nice to see the two single ladies seated next to each other in the audience enjoying the show like two real BFFs would - throwing the side-eye at all the basic b*tches.
Ke$ha took a shower: No doubt the whiskey queen was always pretty - she was just fighting the hot real hard with all that Jack Daniels toothpaste. But the girl went on some kind of "spirit journey," announced her new single, "Die Young," and found an extra-strength detergent to get all the glitter off once and for all. The new simple makeup thing looks fly.
Green Day keeps rock alive, gets mobbed by fans: Arguably the only real rock band to perform at the VMAs (no offense, 1D), the dudes - who first performed at the VMAs in 1994 (!!!) - thanked their loyal fans by bringing them on stage for their performance of "Let Yourself Go." Then everyone moshed happily ever after.
Alicia Keys picks a favorite "Fab Five" gymnast, brings Gabby Douglas on stage: They're all winners in our book (and in the eyes of the Olympic committee), but after being introduced by the "Fab Five," Keys brought Douglas on stage to show us some flips during her performance of her latest single, "Girl On Fire." It was...on fire.
Taylor Swift wore short shorts. (Also, crowd surfed): We didn't know you were working with all that under all those princess dresses, sister. The "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" singer really showed whoever she broke up with what's up - she strut her stuff across the VMA stage in, like, half a yard of fabric. The cherry on top: she crowd surfed! We ain't mad at chu!