Now that Miley Cyrus has rejected the idea of playing Tinker Bell in NBC's live musical broadcast of Peter Pan by tweeting that she'd rather "choke on my own tongue," we've got a different, more inspired proposal for NBC.
Sure, Miley would have made sense, but not as Tink. Actually, Miley would have made a perfect Peter Pan, continuing a sixty-year tradition of boyish women playing the "boy who wouldn't grow up." But hello, America? We've got a boy who won't grow up blearily staring at us in our collective pop culture face: Justin Bieber as Peter Pan.
Now, work with us here. This would admittedly take some bending on both sides. NBC would have to relax from the family-friendly, traditionalist musical presentation they gave to Sound of Music Live! with Carrie Underwood and opt for something a bit more edgy. A shirtless, inked-up Peter? Why not? Justin, on the other hand, would have to lighten up, be willing to get in a harness and fly, and just maybe reclaim a little bit o' wholesome. But think of the possibilities:
Peter's Signature Song, Repurposed: "If growing up means it would be/ Beneath me to race a Lam-bor-ghi-ni/ I won't grow up/ Never grow up/ Not me!"
The Lost Boys: How about a whole house of 'em out in Calabasas? Lil Za, Lil Twist, are you guys ready for your close-ups? Tagging, egging, speeding, bucket-peeing…. We got your lost boys right here.
Wendy: Selena Gomez, the obvious choice here: Hopelessly in love with Peter but frustrated by his unwillingness to grow up and commit. If she turns it down, Ariana Grande would be a fresh-faced—but brainy—choice.
Never Never Land: "I know a place where dreams are born/ And time is never planned." Sounds like Vegas to us.
“Selena Gomez is the obvious choice for Wendy: Hopelessly in love with Peter but frustrated by his inability to grow up.”
Indians: There is the unpleasantness of Peter Pan's 1953 handling of Native Americans, a tribe of so-called "Indians" that initially pose a threat. But toward the end of the play, things are mellowed when they all share a peace pipe—and I think we know these Lost Boys will have no problem with that.
Captain Hook: This is the role that Russell Brand was born to play. C'mon. Bieber v. Brand swordfighting on the Jolly Roger? Perfection.
Tinker Bell: Some hologram thingamajig.
"I'm Flying": We just led you to this one. You can fill in the rest. So.
Much. Potential. From my lips to the peacock network's ears. Let's reclaim the role of Peter Pan for a male—specifically, for the most talked about male in pop culture! And if Justin—who turns 20 on Saturday—is a little long in the tooth to play Peter, hey, he still looks 16. Maybe we're living in Never Never Land, but it's nice to dream.