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Weekly Prescription: Your Musical Dosage for April 1

When Western medicine fails you, come see us every week and we'll prescribe a batch of songs to expertly cure your specific ailments

1 / 5

iDose Digital Drugs
David Freund/Getty Images

Music is a source of comfort and catharsis for most people, so we decided to stock up our musical pharmacy with some tunes to cure your ailments. From gray hair to heartache to the first of the month, check with us weekly for new musical prescriptions.

Ailment: Foolish Heart

While your friends, contemporaries at work, and even the media is playing practical jokes on each other today, for you, April Fool's Day is reserved for a realization of the heart. The realization that you are indeed a fool. A fool who wants to be in love rather than play pranks. Though some wisemen warn against rushing, you are ready to play the fool. You are ready to take that leap into the unknown, because what's waiting for you could be quite wonderful.

Drug name: Acetylvis Preslicin

Active ingredients: Gentle surf guitar, reassuring lyrics and a break from the foolishness of April 1 festivities.

Uses: Strengthens the heart against foolishness while softening the mind to possibility. 

Stop use if: You get the urge to actually bum-rush your crush.

Directions: Play as needed to delight your mind and relieve your hesitation to be a fool. Play until hesitation subsides completely.

2 / 5

Ailment: Tummy Pangs

You are not feeling like yourself. It's been a couple of late nights in a row and your body is finally on strike. Your stomach aches, you can't quench your thirst and you are admittedly bloated. Then you realize...it's been at least two days since you've had a serious trip to the bathroom, which is a surprise considering you had Thai food at 3 A.M. on Saturday. Nothing is working and you need some sort of release to get through the rest of the day. 

Drug name: Calciun Carbonarris

Active ingredients: Lyrics that deflect responsibility for the actions of the previous night, aggressive dance track, earnest vocals.

Uses: To calm the gut while reducing guilt through empathy

Directions: You should probably have some prunes. Also, lots of water and this song at least once a day until your bloating and guilt subside.

3 / 5

Ailment: Gray Shock

You are starting your day fairly brightly and you turn to the mirror for last looks before heading to work. You brush, flatten, pat, separate and wait. Hold up. It that? Yes. It's a damn gray hair, sticking out above your mane, making it impossible to ignore. What's worse, it's a completely different texture and you just can't hide it. Your first gray hair could be a token of wisdom, experience or cause for celebration, but really you're just pissed. You're not even 30 yet! You don't need a bottle of dye. You need to slow down! Stress is definitely aging you.

Drug name: Myoblotis

Active ingredients: Lyrical instructions to waste time, effortless vocals, sounds of waves.

Uses: To produce a calming effect and slow the aging process.

Warnings: Tell your doctor if you lose the urge to go to work at all.

Directions: Play song at least twice each morning until you decide to take a day off from your busy life. To maximize effectiveness, listen from a reclined position.

4 / 5

Ailment: Crib Fever

You're really intrigued by the conversations you're having with the hunky intellectual on your online dating app. He's sexy, he's charming, he's into the right music, he's a reader, he's also six years your junior. How young is too young? Do you go with it?

Drug name: Cymbill Idolta

Active ingredients: Lyrics "love comes a million ways" and Billy Idol's teasing, taunting, screaming vocals.

Uses: To shake up your preconceived notions of age and get you back out there and into a possibly enlightened new experience with a hunky young thing.

Warnings: If six years means illegal, don't do it. Direct use could cause jail-time.

Directions: Remove clothing. Turn volume up to maximum level. Play song and let loose. You deserve this. Repeat use until you have the guts to go for it. 

5 / 5

Ailment: Coworker Feuds

You are minding your own business and asking for a few items at work, when you catch your coworker giving you the stink-eye. You aren't sure why he is bothered by your musical interludes of singing along to your Spotify playlist or your gossip sesh with the girl from HR, but he is definitely annoyed. The only way to shake this hater is through the original hip-shaker.

Drug name: Xenilena

Active ingredients: Before we knew how to shake it off, we did the "Bidi Bidi Bom Bom". 

Uses: To help significantly reduce the fucks given about pissing off your co-worker. The song is about the sound your heart makes when you're in love, a feeling that hopefully wins out the hate happening in the office.

Warning: Excessive use could lead to a blowout.

Directions: Discard headphones. Play song once in the morning and once at lunch to produce the desired effect.


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