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Weekly Prescription: Your Musical Dosage for April 23

When Western medicine fails you, come see us every week and we'll prescribe a batch of songs to expertly cure your specific ailments

1 / 5

Music Therapy
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Music is a source of comfort and catharsis for most people, so we decided to stock up our musical pharmacy with some tunes to cure your ailments. From vertigo to giving in to your ex for a meetup, check with us weekly for new musical prescriptions.

Ailment: World Sick

Earth Day came and you didn't feel particularly motivated. Everyone was hugging trees and recycling, but you felt—still feel—a little more like the deflated non-biodegradable materials in your trash can than like a Captain Planet character. Can we really make a difference? You need some motivation for a destination.

Drug Name: Kimino Nicaurine

Active Ingredients: A fresh spin on a classic with the extra-strength force of vocal power. 

Uses: Rebuilds thoughts and emotions to both release frustration and develop strands of hope. 

Stop Use If: You get the urge to actually run outside and scream, "What's going on?"

Directions: Play at high volume after meals. 

Warning: Could cause emotional distress if played on an empty stomach.

2 / 5

Ailment: Vertigo-go-go

You wake up and throw your feet to the side of the bed and stand upright. Wait. Unless there's an earthquake happening... the room is spinning and you didn't have any adult beverages last night. You're overworked and stressed and there's only one explanation for this. Vertigo.

Drug Name: Epray Lemont Maneuver 

Active Ingredients: Soothing strings, broad orchestration and lyrics encouraging you to "be here now".

Uses: To steady the mind and reduce dizziness.

Directions: Lie down and play the song once through with eyes open to steady yourself and eyes closed to rest your mind. 

3 / 5

Ailment: X-to-See Chills

We've talked about this. Your ex keeps coming back into your life and you have been strong numerous times. (Good for you!) But last week you had a rough one and you caved in when the ex mentioned that it would be great to "catch up" in person. You agreed to meet for a drink. (How dare you!) If you're this weak, you obviously need to get pumped up for the occasion. 

Drug Name: Tanlein

Active Ingredients: Lyrics "we're not the same," sharp cutting strings and snaps. All the snaps.

Uses: To control your urge to kiss your ex or get back together.

Warnings: If there's a chance you might want your ex back, lower your dosage accordingly.

Directions: Adults and children 18 and over should listen repeatedly until you accept that you are attracted to your ex, but you just aren't right for one another. Allow for lyrics to fully absorb into the body and ingest the fact that there was a reason you broke up in the first place.

4 / 5

Ailment: Munchy Madness

Let's face it, you don't need a reason to light up, but this week was an open invitation to puff the magic dragon, so on 4/20, you did. You also have a massive case of the munchies and unlike Rihanna, you don't have an entourage of security to get you safely to a store. You need to distract yourself and ride this out.

Drug Name: Inulinite Propidenim

Active Ingredients: Mind-altering psychedelic sounds, roaring guitar and redirecting drum break.

Uses: To occupy your mind with a full sound in favor of a full stomach with a real rock'n'roll sounds. 

Warnings: Improper use could cause symptoms to worsen.

Directions: Fill that glass of water and take a seat. Turn up the volume and focus on the sounds filling the room and imagine them filling up your stomach.

5 / 5

Ailment: Blocked Hearteries

It's been 5 months and she still won't commit. She says "she just isn't ready for a relationship" and you believe her and it's apparent that the roadblock here really isn't you this time. It's her. She is too wrapped up in her ex and the past to embrace the present and open up to the possibility that you're the one. It's time to face the fact that she isn't coming around anytime soon.

Drug name: Satwin Mavadow

Active ingredients: Lyrics "I can't get to your heart," heavy synth sounds and George Lewis Jr.'s desperation.

Uses: To release excessive energy or affection geared toward your lover and redirect them to a healthy flow in a more productive area of your life.

Warning: Repeated use could cause you to lose your eff-buddy.

Directions: Play each time you communicate with your friend-with-benefits until you gradually accept that she is not girlfriend material. Not right now anyway.

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