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Weekly Prescription: Your Coachella Dosage for April 8

When Western medicine fails you, come see us every week and we'll prescribe a batch of songs to expertly cure your specific ailments

1 / 5

Prescription pills on music paper
Francesco Cura/Getty Images

Music is a source of comfort and catharsis for most people, so we decided to stock up our musical pharmacy with some tunes to cure your ailments. From a rainy day to a cheap-ass customer, check with us weekly for new musical prescriptions.

Ailment: Rainy Lethargy

There are more than 30 emails in your inbox, 12 items on your to-do list and your phone is ringing. Unfortunately, all you can focus on are the sound of water hitting your office window and the gray clouds undulating in the sky outside. Now, your coworker is asking you a question, but you're tuning her out. You need to refocus.

Drug name: Strattychero

Active ingredients: Ambient colorful sounds to chill your mind and synth blends to keep the rhythm of your day alive.

Uses: The steady groove creates a soundtrack to mother nature allowing for better mental precision.

Stop use if: You completely fall asleep.

Directions: Play at maximum volume, close your eyes and ingest for 30 seconds. Open eyes and close all computer windows except for the first thing on your to-do list. Complete task. Move on to the next. Repeat if necessary.

2 / 5

Ailment: Carpal Tunnel

Your joints ache, you have limited mobility, and your hands tingle. It might be something serious, but you're too young for arthritis. You don't want to admit it, but you sit at your computer far too long typing  between meetings. You need to get up from time to time and change positions.

Drug name: Florticosterine

Active ingredients: Lyrics encouraging you to move out of your harmful stationary pose at the computer.

Uses: To inspire muscle movement and subsequent lubrication of joints.

Directions: Play once on an empty stomach after an hour of inactivity.

3 / 5

Ailment: Stand-up Shock

You are craving Italian food and you really want to go to that traditional spot in your hood, but you don't want to go alone. Your crush is otherwise occupied so you decide to ask your backup, who you don't exactly get the tingles for. You reach out, and he agrees of course. However, as you're on your way to pick him up he cancels last minute. What? Fine. It's Italian for one tonight.

Drug name: Chetraflumine

Active ingredients: The lyrics "short, fast, over you" and that sexy saxophone at the bottom of the track.

Uses: To produce a tingling effect within yourself, instead of relying on someone else to create it.

Warnings: You might want to dance around, so listen before leaving for the restaurant.

Directions: Play song at least twice until you get the tingles. Head to dinner renewed.

4 / 5

Ailment: Service Pains

It's been five hours of working on your feet and something must be in the air today. This is the third customer in a row who hasn't tipped and you've had it. What's worse, these people are too self-involved to notice that you scoffed out loud after making sure to give them ones in change, and they still didn't leave a damn Washington. That's it.

Drug name: Hydratame Impallalose

Active ingredients: Lyrics "Somebody grabbed his collar, He cried the whole way home" and the revved up guitar line.

Uses: Strengthening mental ability to shrug it off.

Warnings: Improper use will lead to asshole behavior and result in less tips anyway.

Directions: Head to the office in the back. Play the song at least once until you've released tension and are ready to come out swingin'.

5 / 5

Ailment: Slow Blood Pressure

You jolt up out of bed. Fuck. It's 8:47am and you're supposed to be at the office at 9 and it takes 20 minutes to get there. You're already late. Again. Unlike low blood pressure, this disease is caused by a mental state of mind. Your blood just moves slow. You need to get it together. Speed it up.

Drug name: Methaflylo phetamine 

Active ingredients: Driving beats, complex rhythms and politically charged lyrics. 

Uses: To provide movement through the blood and through to your feet to move you off your lazy ass.

Directions: Play at maximum volume immediately and repeat until you've reached your destination.

Don't miss Wristbanded: Coachella Valley presented by Doritos premiering this Saturday, April 18, at 5/4c and encoring Sunday, April 19, at 5/4c. Find Fuse in your area with our channel finder.

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Photo of the day

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